Relationship:The Fast Path to Enlightenment (or at least to some great healing) Part I

A Wake Up Call

I was reminded this weekend, through some tough stuff that my partner and I went through, that relationship is truly “the great teacher”. In “Intimate Relationship as a Practice and a Path”, John Welwood, a well-known author in Buddhist circles, describes my experience:

“When we really love someone and discover all the ways we shut ourselves down in their presence, a desire to break out of this self-imprisonment naturally begins to stir in us. There is ferment, there is alchemy, there is the possibility for change and renewal. Our path begins to unfold.”

– from Ordinary Magic: Everyday Life as Spiritual Path

What Happened?

Have you ever been just going along and having a great time, feeling relaxed and connected, feeling that all is well… only to have things suddenly shift into an icky-yucky-stuck negative place? This type of thing used to happen all the time with my partner and I, and I’d forgotten how awful it feels. I was recently reminded!

Yesterday morning, we were in the car driving. It was a beautiful spring morning and I was sooooo enjoying the green grass, the buds on the trees, the way the light made the fields dance. I saw something on the side of the road that prompted a thought about a friend of mine. I spoke my thought out loud, and wham! Suddenly, my partner and I were in an argument.

I felt confused. I felt resentful. I couldn’t understand why my partner was making such a big deal out this issue. I felt scared. Ah! Before I could snap my fingers, I had shifted from a very open, happy, luxurious me to a place where I felt stiff, cold, and shut down.

Once back home, we attempted to talk about what had happened. It went nowhere. Both of us felt very vulnerable. I stayed downstairs while my partner went up. Even with some space, I was still totally stuck in what had happened. All of my energy was wrapped up in it.

What Can We Do With This Kind of Thing?

If this is something that happens in your relationship, I encourage you to share your approach to resolving it.

What I did, after flailing around for awhile (thinking “I should just leave! I’ll go for a ride. I’ll go for a run!”, etc.) was take out a “One Belief at a Time Worksheet” from The Work @ Byron Katie (download-able from her website). I went outside, where I could at least enjoy the sun, and began to fill out the worksheet.

Now, Byron Katie warns that her work might not help if you are seeking relief versus “the truth“. Certainly, I didn’t find total relief, but I certainly did uncover something BIG that has been plaguing me in every relationship of my life.

The details of my working aren’t terribly important for this conversation, but suffice it to say that I realized that I was triggered by the unexpected response from my partner. It brought up all my stuff from my childhood. And more than that, it made me realize what outlook I still carry from the things that happened way back then.

An Impossible Feat

Besides remembering and reliving several unpleasant childhood memories, I discovered, in this working, that I carry the following belief:

I must anticipate all possible reactions from people in my life in order to be safe.

Whoa! There’s another working to be done! Is that true? Is that even possible? Of course, I realize, intellectually, that this is not possible. But, boy, let me tell you– part of me was really mad at myself for not anticipating my partner’s reaction. I was beating myself up, left and right.

More on how I got there is forthcoming in Part 2.

Yours in growth through relationship,

Becky

How to Be Honest in Your Relationship

My clients often report that they’re upset with their partners about something or the other.  When I ask them, “Did you tell him or her that you were upset?” they routinely say, “No.”

Why Not Be Honest?

Often, we neglect to tell our partners what we’re upset about because we

• Don’t want to cause waves
• Don’t think our “upset” is justified, anyway
• Feel that the problem is ours to resolve
• Don’t want to appear petty, small or unevolved (not even to ourselves)
• Don’t think our partner will change, anyway, so why talk about it?

What Happens When We’re Not Honest?

I don’t know about you, but what happens for me when I’m not honest about something that bothers me is that my frustration comes out sideways.  I end up making a snide comment.  I’m passive aggressive.  Over time, I become resentful.  Then I blow up at my partner — all because I didn’t talk about what was bothering me in the first place.

Think about a time when you withheld a frustration from your partner (and maybe even from yourself).  What ended up happening?  Are you holding onto to any frustration at this time in your relationship?  If so, how is it affecting you?

What is the Purpose of Being Honest, Anyway?

When I encourage clients to tell each other what is really true, I’m not suggesting that they do this in order for their partner to change.  Sometimes, this is what is desired, but usually there is a benefit in simply sharing the truth — the truth being that you’re struggling with something.  

The Problem of Fido

Here is an example of what I’m talking about:

Mary and Jim have been dating for about a year and have just moved in together.  Mary is upset because Jim’s dog sleeps in their bed, and she can’t get a good night’s sleep.  She hasn’t talked to Jim about it because she has several assumptions about this situation:

• Jim’s dog is used to sleeping with him and she can’t come along and change that.
• Jim will think she’s not a dog lover afterall, and then he’ll start questioning their relationship.
• Mary has a cat and Jim puts up with the cat, even though he’s allergic.  She should be appreciative. 

How To Be Honest Without Being Manipulative or Unfair

Mary is stuck in all of her thoughts, and yet, she’s still frustrated with the situation.  Is this fair to Jim? Or to the dog?  She’s grouchy with the dog when she comes home from work, and feels herself holding other grudges against Jim.  For some people, this exercise may be remedial, but I find that many people get stuck at this point and really don’t know how to move beyond it.

Here’s One Approach

“Jim, can we talk?  I want to tell you what is going on with me, at least for the sake of being honest (afterall, this is an intimate relationship, right?).  With Fido in bed with us, I’m having a very hard time sleeping.  I’m not actually asking for you to kick him out of our bed — I don’t know what the solution might be– but I just want you to know that this has been bothering me and I’ve been too afraid to tell you.”

How Might Jim Respond?

Who knows?  He might suggest that he have Fido sleep on his side of the bed.  He might admit that he hasn’t been sleeping well, either, and be willing to have Fido sleep on the floor.  He might buy a king size bed!  And yet, there is a chance that he might get upset by the conversation with Mary, too.

And what if he did?  Is that the end of the world?  Probably not.  A good opportunity to questions a belief with The Work @ Byron Katie!

With a non-blaming approach like the one above, Mary and Jim probably have a better chance of brainstorming the problem than if Mary waited until she got totally fed up and then lit into Jim.  

What have you done in situations like this?  How has it worked?

Yours in relating,

Becky