Relationships 501: Deep Discourse on Relating

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Can You Save Your Marriage or Relationship in the 11th Hour?

April 19, 2007 · 2 Comments

Stay Tuned for an Interview with Michele Weiner-Davis

I am delighted to report that Michele Weiner-Davis, the author of:

has agreed to be interviewed by me. In order to be able to offer an interview that goes deeper than the usual surface stuff, I’ve been reading Michele’s books and studying her website. She has a nation-wide network of divorce counselors that save marriages using the Divorce Busting approach. Some of the stories from people on her forum are quite amazing. Check it out: www.divorcebusting.com/forums

This morning Michele emailed me, saying “Helping people mend their marriages, even in the 11th hour, is what I do day in and day out. It’s not as difficult as people think.”

I am rather intrigued, I must say….

But, I’m Struggling…

And, since this blog is more about honesty than making everything look nice and tidy, I have to admit that as I read parts of Michele’s books, I get a little uncomfortable. Having been divorced myself, and still believing that it was the best thing to do (and feeling ever so grateful for what I now have in my life), I get a little put off by people telling me that all divorces, except for violent ones, are unnecessary and undesirable.

The Divorce Trap? Or the Golden Gate?

In The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage, Michele’s first chapter is called The Divorce Trap. She cites letters from people who have divorced and later regretted it. I don’t think they’re lying. I believe that these people truly regretted their decisions to divorce. The only problem I have is that I, and many others that I’ve talked with, have not regretted it. Some of us feel like its the best thing that we ever did on the path toward living a happy and authentic life! Because divorce is so painful (I don’t think that anyone who’s been through it wouldn’t agree that it is very painful), the decision to do it is almost never taken lightly. Many of my clients wait for years before taking the step, or saying the word “divorce”. And, a lot of them are relieved with their decision — within the first few months of living apart and also years later.

For me, divorce felt like a Golden Gate. And, yet, I do have to admit that it would have been easier to stay in it, and it could have been worth it if:

  • My relationship was healthy
  • I felt, at all physically attracted to my ex
  • I felt emotionally connected to my ex
  • I didn’t question my ex’s morals

But, I’ll give Michele a chance. All of this may have been possible if my ex and I had done the work that Michele proposes in her books.

What is Your Experience with Divorce or Breakup?

Do you regret that you got divorced?

Or, are you still thanking your lucky stars that you got out?

Looking forward to the conversation,

Becky

Categories: Divorce · Divorce Busting · Marriage · Saving a Relationship

2 responses so far ↓

  • Toria Thompson // May 2, 2007 at 12:11 am

    Hmmmm….. tough question. Do I want back the marriage I left ? Absolutely not. Do I harbor a (probably child like) belief that if I had tried just one more thing we’d still be married and my daughter would have an intact family? You betcha.

    The thing is, though, that I never really learned how to do relationship because I never had a healthy differentiation experience. Not at age 2 (reproachmant??), teenage-hood, or in early adult hood.

    So it is my strong belief that all I could get from my relationship with my ex was more of the same thing I had when I was a child. I married a man who mirrored my early life’s imprint and we both happily fell into the grooves and patterns that had been set for us both from earliest memory. I don’t think I ever really saw who he was. I wonder if he ever really saw who I was. As you’ve written in other posts, we were living out the Imago theory.

    Even if Michele has a technique for breaking free of these early patterns and learning how to differentiate within the marriage and function at a more autonomous level…. and even if my ex and I had worked hard at it… I’m thinking that in our differentiated states we probably would have looked at one another and said… “Who are you?” “You’re not someone I want to be married to”. My ex and I have very little in common. Even our core values are different. I don’t think that those things change – nor do we really want them to change.

    So, for me, I am grateful for this opportunity to grow and mature and finally differentiate from my mother. I look forward to a healthy relationship based on adult interacations where we look at one another realistically. If things get rocky from this good starting place, I’ll definitely look to Michele for help.

  • bdegrossa // May 3, 2007 at 1:28 pm

    Toria – your comments prompt more thought. This idea of healthy differentiation reminds me of David Schnarch’s Marriage Crucible, which is presented in his book, Passionate Marriage. I haven’t had time to get that out on the blog yet…. so thanks for the prompting!

    Also, I was doing some writing yesterday on the importance of us tuning into our needs and treating them respectfully. Your comments about you and your ex not having the same core values is one that I can relate to. For me, I think that as my self-knowledge grew, I became more clear about my values and how different they were from my ex. More on this idea later.

    Thanks for your thoughtful contributions,

    Becky

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