A Wake Up Call
I was reminded this weekend, through some tough stuff that my partner and I went through, that relationship is truly “the great teacher”. In “Intimate Relationship as a Practice and a Path”, John Welwood, a well-known author in Buddhist circles, describes my experience:
“When we really love someone and discover all the ways we shut ourselves down in their presence, a desire to break out of this self-imprisonment naturally begins to stir in us. There is ferment, there is alchemy, there is the possibility for change and renewal. Our path begins to unfold.”
– from Ordinary Magic: Everyday Life as Spiritual Path
Have you ever been just going along and having a great time, feeling relaxed and connected, feeling that all is well… only to have things suddenly shift into an icky-yucky-stuck negative place? This type of thing used to happen all the time with my partner and I, and I’d forgotten how awful it feels. I was recently reminded!
Yesterday morning, we were in the car driving. It was a beautiful spring morning and I was sooooo enjoying the green grass, the buds on the trees, the way the light made the fields dance. I saw something on the side of the road that prompted a thought about a friend of mine. I spoke my thought out loud, and wham! Suddenly, my partner and I were in an argument.
I felt confused. I felt resentful. I couldn’t understand why my partner was making such a big deal out this issue. I felt scared. Ah! Before I could snap my fingers, I had shifted from a very open, happy, luxurious me to a place where I felt stiff, cold, and shut down.
Once back home, we attempted to talk about what had happened. It went nowhere. Both of us felt very vulnerable. I stayed downstairs while my partner went up. Even with some space, I was still totally stuck in what had happened. All of my energy was wrapped up in it.
What Can We Do With This Kind of Thing?
If this is something that happens in your relationship, I encourage you to share your approach to resolving it.
What I did, after flailing around for awhile (thinking “I should just leave! I’ll go for a ride. I’ll go for a run!”, etc.) was take out a “One Belief at a Time Worksheet” from The Work @ Byron Katie
Now, Byron Katie warns that her work might not help if you are seeking relief versus “the truth“. Certainly, I didn’t find total relief, but I certainly did uncover something BIG that has been plaguing me in every relationship of my life.
The details of my working aren’t terribly important for this conversation, but suffice it to say that I realized that I was triggered by the unexpected response from my partner. It brought up all my stuff from my childhood. And more than that, it made me realize what outlook I still carry from the things that happened way back then.
An Impossible Feat
Besides remembering and reliving several unpleasant childhood memories, I discovered, in this working, that I carry the following belief:
I must anticipate all possible reactions from people in my life in order to be safe.
Whoa! There’s another working to be done! Is that true? Is that even possible? Of course, I realize, intellectually, that this is not possible. But, boy, let me tell you– part of me was really mad at myself for not anticipating my partner’s reaction. I was beating myself up, left and right.
More on how I got there is forthcoming in Part 2.
Yours in growth through relationship,
Becky
Thank you, Becky. This is my experience, too. I get so focused on having things right in my relationships that I think nothing else matters. It is as if I believe the ludicrous idea that my happiness depends on another person. Of course, it doesn’t. Great blog. I have referred many people to your article on “The Secret.”
I also find that I want to anticipate all possible responses, and that I sometimes am taken aback by reactions I didn’t expected.