This post, Part 1 in a series on online dating, was prompted by a conversation I had with a colleague this morning regarding experiences had by several of our clients who are dabbling (if one can “dabble”) in online dating. Lest you think this will be a warning against this form of partner-seeking, I’ll tell you right off that our conversation was a very positive one. Sure, our client’s stories have included all facets of this social experiment–some have been maddening, some scary, some downright disappointing. Others, however, have been absolutely wonderful! It’s clear that “thangs ain’t like they used ta be” so it is important, now more than ever, to not only know yourself, but to also know the game you’re in.
Is Love via Cyberspace a Necessity?
In the year 2000, an obscure university professor, Robert Putnam, put his name on the map with the release of his book, Bowling Alone : The Collapse and Revival of American Community
The most whimsical yet discomfiting bit of evidence of social disengagement in contemporary America that I have discovered is this: more Americans are bowling today than ever before, but bowling in organized leagues has plummeted in the last decade or so. Between 1980 and 1993 the total number of bowlers in America increased by 10 percent, while league bowling decreased by 40 percent.
Putnam shows how we have become increasingly disconnected from our family, friends and communities with the disintegration of important social structures that used to connect us. While Putnam’s book is mainly focused at a societal level — and on our lack of civic health — it clearly shows us why we feel so isolated today. Its no wonder that online dating is practically a necessity for people who want relationship.
Does Online Dating Make You Feel Like a Freak?
If you’re under the age of 30, no doubt you see online dating as a viable and respectable way to meeting a romantic partner. Online dating is becoming more and more acceptable, yet some people compare themselves to an ideal of long ago where it was thenorm to meet potential partners in college, at church or through friends or family. These folks who haven’t met anyone the old-fashioned way feel that they must be defective. They’ve had to resort to Match.com and eHarmony, whereas all the attractive or normal people met their mates the “regular” way, whatever that is.
The stigma that online dating is the domain of social misfits and sexual deviants was pretty much shattered with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail. The truth is:
- People of both sexes are getting married later than they used to
- A higher number of people never marry than before
- With divorce rates from first marriages still at 50% and from second marriages at 65%, even if you do get married, chances are that you’ll be single again.
- Single women are the fastest-growing segment of the US population, with more than 47 million, 22 million of whom are between 25 and 44.
Table: Percent Never Married, 1970-2004
|
Age |
1970 |
1999 |
2000 |
2002 |
2004 |
|
Male: |
|
|
|
|
|
|
20 to 24 years |
35.8% |
83.2% |
83.7% |
85.4% |
86.4% |
|
25 to 29 years |
10.5 |
52.1 |
51.7 |
53.7 |
56.6 |
|
30 to 34 years |
6.2 |
30.7 |
30.0 |
34.0 |
32.2 |
|
35 to 39 years |
5.4 |
21.1 |
20.3 |
21.1 |
23.4 |
|
40 to 44 years |
4.9 |
15.8 |
15.7 |
16.7 |
17.6 |
|
Female: |
|
|
|
|
|
|
20 to 24 years |
54.7% |
72.3% |
72.8% |
74.0% |
75.4% |
|
25 to 29 years |
19.1 |
38.9 |
38.9 |
40.4 |
40.8 |
|
30 to 34 years |
9.4 |
22.1 |
21.9 |
23.0 |
23.7 |
|
35 to 39 years |
7.2 |
15.2 |
14.3 |
14.7 |
14.6 |
|
40 to 44 years |
6.3 |
10.9 |
11.8 |
11.5 |
12.2 |
NOTE: Data apply to the U.S.
Source: U.S. Bureau of the Census. From Statistical Abstract of the United States 2006.
Bottom line, there are scads of singles out there and they don’t have good ways of meeting each other, other than…what? Online Dating. So chill out. You’re not a freak.
Match-Making Science?
The new generation of dating services, such as eHarmony, PerfectMatch.com and Chemistry.com have all staked their futures on the idea that long-term compatibility can be predicted according to scientific principles. Although the “science” varies from one service to the other depending on what factors they consider most important in long-term love, the initial results are promising. A recent Harris Interactive poll found that for the year ending September 2005, eHarmony initiated 33,000+ marriages within its membership. That’s 46 marriages per day. Of course, we won’t know until we have the data from the longitudinal studies (which are being done, by the way) whether or not this social experiment has the power to turn the divorce statistics around.
Dr. Pepper Schwartz, the brains behind the Duet Compatibility Profiler of PerfectMatch.com, says, regardless of the science,
“Know Yourself. How can you pick somebody else if you have no insight into yourself?”
“Dr. Pepper” (as she’s lovingly called) explains that the advantage of the scientific matching is not to come up with a foolproof formula for romance, but to provide people with a reality check.
Will You Use Science to Keep That Attraction From Clouding Your Judgment?
I hope so. Know Yourself. Know. Yourself. And still, your job’s not complete. In both my personal (okay, I’ve dabbled!) and professional experience, the need for real emotional competence begins once the emails begin flying. This is where you need to use your skills to weed out the deviants who slipped through the test-taking cracks. Remember: compatibility scientists are not necessarily forensic scientists. And I’m not sure they can pick out the commitment-phobes on paper, anyhow.
I’d love to hear from people who have used the newer “science-based” services. What was your experience with the questions? What has your experience been, overall?
Stay Tuned for the Next Post….
….where I’ll provide some tips for navigating, wisely, the emotional roller coaster of online dating, including the post-match part of the ride. Whiplash is a big concern, but it can be avoided if you treat yourself respectfully.
Until then, I’m going back to the real world for a bit!
Yours in relating,
Becky
