Can You Save Your Marriage or Relationship in the 11th Hour?

Stay Tuned for an Interview with Michele Weiner-Davis

I am delighted to report that Michele Weiner-Davis, the author of:

• Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again
• The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
• The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido

has agreed to be interviewed by me. In order to be able to offer an interview that goes deeper than the usual surface stuff, I’ve been reading Michele’s books and studying her website. She has a nation-wide network of divorce counselors that save marriages using the Divorce Busting approach. Some of the stories from people on her forum are quite amazing. Check it out: www.divorcebusting.com/forums

This morning Michele emailed me, saying “Helping people mend their marriages, even in the 11th hour, is what I do day in and day out. It’s not as difficult as people think.”

I am rather intrigued, I must say….

But, I’m Struggling…

And, since this blog is more about honesty than making everything look nice and tidy, I have to admit that as I read parts of Michele’s books, I get a little uncomfortable. Having been divorced myself, and still believing that it was the best thing to do (and feeling ever so grateful for what I now have in my life), I get a little put off by people telling me that all divorces, except for violent ones, are unnecessary and undesirable.

The Divorce Trap? Or the Golden Gate?

In The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage, Michele’s first chapter is called The Divorce Trap. She cites letters from people who have divorced and later regretted it. I don’t think they’re lying. I believe that these people truly regretted their decisions to divorce. The only problem I have is that I, and many others that I’ve talked with, have not regretted it. Some of us feel like its the best thing that we ever did on the path toward living a happy and authentic life! Because divorce is so painful (I don’t think that anyone who’s been through it wouldn’t agree that it is very painful), the decision to do it is almost never taken lightly. Many of my clients wait for years before taking the step, or saying the word “divorce”. And, a lot of them are relieved with their decision — within the first few months of living apart and also years later.

For me, divorce felt like a Golden Gate. And, yet, I do have to admit that it would have been easier to stay in it, and it could have been worth it if:

• My relationship was healthy
• I felt, at all physically attracted to my ex
• I felt emotionally connected to my ex
• I didn’t question my ex’s morals

But, I’ll give Michele a chance. All of this may have been possible if my ex and I had done the work that Michele proposes in her books.

What is Your Experience with Divorce or Breakup?

Do you regret that you got divorced?

Or, are you still thanking your lucky stars that you got out?

Looking forward to the conversation,

Becky

Introductory Post

Welcome to Relationships 501!

The purpose of this blog is to provide a place for us to have conversation about the finer points of relationship — intimate and otherwise. I want to talk, honestly, about good relationships and bad ones. I want to talk about those that last, and those that don’t. There is much we can learn from one another!

The Beginning is Exciting, and then….
We’ve all been in relationships where the infatuation phase quickly morphed into the “disillusioned” phase and then into the power struggle phase. Many relationships don’t survive that one. And what of the ones that do? What is better if you resolve the power struggles? Or do you just give up and sweep your frustration under the carpet? Is resolution really possible?

How Can You Make It Work So That You’re Truly Happy (and really not just settling)?

I’m actually a huge fan of relationships. For many years, I didn’t see many that I envied or respected, and I thought the whole thing was a big hoax. I thought it meant that you had to settle for “loneliness together” to be in a long-term relationship. I no longer believe that, and I finally know how to help people reach real connection with one another. Who are your relationship role models? What do they have that you envy?

What If Your Relationship Bites the Dust?

If your relationship has just fallen apart, come here to sort through the gazillions of thoughts, feelings, and questions that arise when a relationship that is important to you ends. This could be the ending of a marriage, any other type of intimate relationship, a close friendship, a relationship with a family member (or with your entire family of origin, for that matter), or even an important professional relationship.

The End Brings Disorientation

In both my personal experience and in working with lots of folks going through it, I know that a divorce or the end of an important relationship can bring everything we think we know into question. This is an excruciating time, and also a time where, because our foundations are shaky, we can open to new things that come our way. Because we want answers, we are perhaps more open than ever to learn valuable lessons, and be much better for it, in the long run.

Who Am I and How Can I Help You?

My name is Becky DeGrossa, and I am a psychotherapist and divorce coach CenterForHealthyDivorce.com. In my psychotherapy practice, I help people find themselves and in so doing, transform their relationships into fulfilling ones. My degree is in Transpersonal Counseling Psychology (from Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado), so you may find me bringing a spiritual dimension or a soul-level reference to our discussions.
In my divorce work, I have the honor of accompanying great people on their journeys through confusion and despair to new levels of awakening, confidence, stability and happiness. Most of them, if they learned what they needed to learn about themselves, move on to new, healthier relationships!

I hope, through this blog, to make your journey, whether its joining or leaving, more meaningful, and ultimately one of the most rewarding trips you’ve ever taken. I’ll try to share with you what I’ve learned, both in my professional work and in my ongoing personal work. Most of all, however, I hope for this to be a conversation where I can learn from you, too.

What’s To Come?

We have scads of things to discuss. Some of what I’d like to talk about includes:

1. What is the purpose of relationships, anyway?
2. Is it true that we marry our mothers (or fathers)? If so, why?
3. Basic human needs (that you have as a birthright), and how to respect yourself enough to get them met.
4. How to use The Work @ of Byron Katie to transform your life and ensure your next relationship is healthier because you are.
5. How to do great couples work that will transform you both.
6. Do we have a right to divorce or to leave? If so, why is divorce/leaving still so stigmatized in our society?
7. The value of therapy when healing from loss of relationship.
8. The value of therapy when starting a new relationship.

I’d love to know what you’d like to talk about. Please comment below with your ideas and let’s begin!

Again, welcome, and I look forward to meeting you in the conversations to come.

Becky