Can You Save Your Marriage or Relationship in the 11th Hour?

Stay Tuned for an Interview with Michele Weiner-Davis

I am delighted to report that Michele Weiner-Davis, the author of:

• Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again
• The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
• The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido

has agreed to be interviewed by me. In order to be able to offer an interview that goes deeper than the usual surface stuff, I’ve been reading Michele’s books and studying her website. She has a nation-wide network of divorce counselors that save marriages using the Divorce Busting approach. Some of the stories from people on her forum are quite amazing. Check it out: www.divorcebusting.com/forums

This morning Michele emailed me, saying “Helping people mend their marriages, even in the 11th hour, is what I do day in and day out. It’s not as difficult as people think.”

I am rather intrigued, I must say….

But, I’m Struggling…

And, since this blog is more about honesty than making everything look nice and tidy, I have to admit that as I read parts of Michele’s books, I get a little uncomfortable. Having been divorced myself, and still believing that it was the best thing to do (and feeling ever so grateful for what I now have in my life), I get a little put off by people telling me that all divorces, except for violent ones, are unnecessary and undesirable.

The Divorce Trap? Or the Golden Gate?

In The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage, Michele’s first chapter is called The Divorce Trap. She cites letters from people who have divorced and later regretted it. I don’t think they’re lying. I believe that these people truly regretted their decisions to divorce. The only problem I have is that I, and many others that I’ve talked with, have not regretted it. Some of us feel like its the best thing that we ever did on the path toward living a happy and authentic life! Because divorce is so painful (I don’t think that anyone who’s been through it wouldn’t agree that it is very painful), the decision to do it is almost never taken lightly. Many of my clients wait for years before taking the step, or saying the word “divorce”. And, a lot of them are relieved with their decision — within the first few months of living apart and also years later.

For me, divorce felt like a Golden Gate. And, yet, I do have to admit that it would have been easier to stay in it, and it could have been worth it if:

• My relationship was healthy
• I felt, at all physically attracted to my ex
• I felt emotionally connected to my ex
• I didn’t question my ex’s morals

But, I’ll give Michele a chance. All of this may have been possible if my ex and I had done the work that Michele proposes in her books.

What is Your Experience with Divorce or Breakup?

Do you regret that you got divorced?

Or, are you still thanking your lucky stars that you got out?

Looking forward to the conversation,

Becky

How to Envision Your Ideal Relationship

Thanks to a comment by David on my last post, I was moved to dig out the “Vision of Our Relationship” that my partner I co-created about 3 years ago. Prominently posted to the bathroom mirror for a couple of years, it was more recently lost in the shuffle of back-to-back household moves. Anyway, I just made three new copies – one for the bathroom mirror, again, and one for each of our computer areas, where we both tend to spend a lot of time. Ideally, being the most-sane-with-structure kind of person that I am, my partner and I would revisit this vision, together, over a cup of tea each year on some momentous occasion such as our anniversary. Luckily, for me, my partner responds well to these types of suggestions, but, I have to admit, I haven’t suggested it lately. I guess I’ve been in too much disarray with all this moving. Visioning (or is it Envisioning) Really Works!Anyway, in looking at the relationship vision we put together three years ago, I’m happy to say that most of our vision is becoming reality — even some parts that we thought were pretty far-fetched have come to fruition… WAY COOL! This makes me realize that even though I have issues with the highly materialistic parts of The Secret, I have to say that this Law of Attraction stuff really works!

How Do You Create a Relationship Vision?

There are several different approaches that can be used to envision your ideal relationship. Others will be covered in future posts, but for now, since the Imago approach is what my partner and I used, I’ll share that one. First of all, at least in the edition of the book that I have (Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.) “Your Relationship Vision” is Exercise 1 in the back of the book. These are the steps, paraphrased (you and your partner do this exercise together).

Working separately, each of you will write down on a piece of paper short sentences that capture your ideal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship.

Each sentence should be written in the present tense, as if it is already happening, and should be stated positively– i.e. don’t use words like “We don’t” or “We won’t”. Some of the visions we wrote down were:

• We laugh a lot with each other!
• We are freely affectionate with each other
• We fight fairly

Get together and share your sentences, noting the ones that you have in common. If your partner has written statements that you also would like to see in your relationship, add them to your list.

Separately, again, each of you will rank each item on your list with a number from 1 to 5–1 being “very important” and 5 being “not so important.”

Together again, design a mutual relationship vision with input from both of your lists, starting (obviously) with items you both have ranked as most important. Hendrix also suggested that you put check marks next to items that either of you feel would be difficult to achieve. (I found this eye-opening when, looking at our list years later, we saw that we had definitely achieved those — it made us both feel that more was possible).

This last step is to bring the list into your life! Post it somewhere that you can see it daily. Hendrix even recommends that you read it aloud to each other weekly. For us, that wasn’t necessary, but some people may find it helpful.

Here is an example vision, given in the book (I would question the autonomy of the last item, but this is Hendrix’ example).

If you haven’t already done this type of exercise, or if its been awhile, get together with your partner and take a crack at it. And….. VERY IMPORTANT~ if you are single, this is a great approach to envision the relationship that you want to attract into your life! Have You Created a Relationship Vision? I’d be interested in hearing from others who do this exercise, and from those of you who have already done it. Please share, at the level of disclosure you are comfortable with:

• The immediate benefits, if any, of doing the exercise, itself
• Whether or not any issue came up for you and your partner while doing the exercise
• How often you talk about the vision with your partner
• What the results have been

Looking forward to supporting all of our relationships through sharing insights,

Becky