Relationship:The Fast Path to Enlightenment (or at least to some great healing) Part I

A Wake Up Call

I was reminded this weekend, through some tough stuff that my partner and I went through, that relationship is truly “the great teacher”. In “Intimate Relationship as a Practice and a Path”, John Welwood, a well-known author in Buddhist circles, describes my experience:

“When we really love someone and discover all the ways we shut ourselves down in their presence, a desire to break out of this self-imprisonment naturally begins to stir in us. There is ferment, there is alchemy, there is the possibility for change and renewal. Our path begins to unfold.”

– from Ordinary Magic: Everyday Life as Spiritual Path

What Happened?

Have you ever been just going along and having a great time, feeling relaxed and connected, feeling that all is well… only to have things suddenly shift into an icky-yucky-stuck negative place? This type of thing used to happen all the time with my partner and I, and I’d forgotten how awful it feels. I was recently reminded!

Yesterday morning, we were in the car driving. It was a beautiful spring morning and I was sooooo enjoying the green grass, the buds on the trees, the way the light made the fields dance. I saw something on the side of the road that prompted a thought about a friend of mine. I spoke my thought out loud, and wham! Suddenly, my partner and I were in an argument.

I felt confused. I felt resentful. I couldn’t understand why my partner was making such a big deal out this issue. I felt scared. Ah! Before I could snap my fingers, I had shifted from a very open, happy, luxurious me to a place where I felt stiff, cold, and shut down.

Once back home, we attempted to talk about what had happened. It went nowhere. Both of us felt very vulnerable. I stayed downstairs while my partner went up. Even with some space, I was still totally stuck in what had happened. All of my energy was wrapped up in it.

What Can We Do With This Kind of Thing?

If this is something that happens in your relationship, I encourage you to share your approach to resolving it.

What I did, after flailing around for awhile (thinking “I should just leave! I’ll go for a ride. I’ll go for a run!”, etc.) was take out a “One Belief at a Time Worksheet” from The Work @ Byron Katie (download-able from her website). I went outside, where I could at least enjoy the sun, and began to fill out the worksheet.

Now, Byron Katie warns that her work might not help if you are seeking relief versus “the truth“. Certainly, I didn’t find total relief, but I certainly did uncover something BIG that has been plaguing me in every relationship of my life.

The details of my working aren’t terribly important for this conversation, but suffice it to say that I realized that I was triggered by the unexpected response from my partner. It brought up all my stuff from my childhood. And more than that, it made me realize what outlook I still carry from the things that happened way back then.

An Impossible Feat

Besides remembering and reliving several unpleasant childhood memories, I discovered, in this working, that I carry the following belief:

I must anticipate all possible reactions from people in my life in order to be safe.

Whoa! There’s another working to be done! Is that true? Is that even possible? Of course, I realize, intellectually, that this is not possible. But, boy, let me tell you– part of me was really mad at myself for not anticipating my partner’s reaction. I was beating myself up, left and right.

More on how I got there is forthcoming in Part 2.

Yours in growth through relationship,

Becky

Byron Katie Versus The Secret

Last night I received an email from the Byron Katie organization, titled “The Difference between The Work and The Secret.”

A woman who was not terribly thrilled with the message of The Secret had hoped that the hub-bub around it would just go away, and was further burdened by its recent appearance on Oprah. This woman had asked Katie to comment on the perception held by some people that Katie and The Secret are saying the “same thing”. Katie responded, “Here are Stephen’s (aka Steven Mitchell, Katie’s husband) thoughts:

The Secret: “You can have whatever you want.”
The Work: “You can want whatever you have.”

The Secret: “My will be done. I know what’s best for me.”
The Work: “Thy will be done (=Thy will is done). What’s best for me is what actually happens.” (In A Thousand Names for Joy, Katie says, “God’s will and your will are the same, whether you notice it or not.”)

The Secret: “You can control your thoughts.”
The Work: “You are not the thinker. It’s not possible to suppress your stressful thoughts. But when you question them, they let go of you.”

The Secret: “You can manifest your positive thoughts as reality.”
The Work: “Reality already is the best thing that could be manifested. When you realize this, you’re home free.”

Katie’s Inquiry Surprised Me

In the email, Katie went on to inquire into the thought, “There is a secret” (the steps of the inquiry process are in bold print, below):

“There is a secret”—is it true? I don’t know, I just don’t know, could be, and how would I know when I have found it? Wouldn’t it mean (if it were really powerful) that when I truly found it, my life and the lives of everyone I love, which is everyone on the planet without exception, would be perfect? That I and all of us would no longer have to suffer from needing, wanting, and shoulding, and would be excited and grateful for what we have as we watch more and more flow in as we need it and always on time, just loving what is here for us right now in this moment? Hmmm. Okay, let’s keep moving.

“There is a secret”—can I absolutely know that it’s true that there is a secret which, if known, would give me the key to having everything that I want and need that I don’t have now in life? One that will give me later what I don’t have now (examples: a BMW, the necklace that I really want, weight loss, a bike)? No, I can’t know. How do I react when I think the thought that there is a secret and others know it and I don’t? I must live in a past and future that don’t exist as anything other than unfulfilled imagination, yearning for what I don’t have and believing that material wealth and better health are the key to my happiness, left out, isolated, unhappy, trying my best to get the things that I want and often failing and feeling like a failure. I begin to believe that I cannot harness this “secret” and end up with the same life that I started with in the first place, with or without material success. Who would I be without believing that there is “the secret?” Loving life, being “the obvious,” rather than being the secretive.

Why Did It Surprise Me?

I love The Work @ Byron Katie because it has helped me in my own life. I think that its brilliant in addressing stressful thoughts that have ill effects on our lives, unnecessarily. These thoughts are largely introjections (or “introjects” in Gestalt terminology) that we’ve taken from our childhood.

And… yet, I also like the idea of The Secret. I’m not sure I buy the whole kit-and-caboodle, but it strikes me as having elements of truth. I don’t like, however, that I’m supposed to believe that we bring everything “bad” on to ourselves (such as cancer, rape, the loss of our parents as young children, etc.)

What struck me as odd in Katie’s inquiry was that she treated the thought “There is a Secret” as a distressing thought. Perhaps this was for the benefit of the folks who do find it to be distressing, but is Katie, herself, in that camp?

Is There a Secret?

To me, “Is there a Secret?” is a twin of “Is there a God?” How can any of us know? To some, the existence of “God” may be distressing. To others, it can be a comfort. But who really knows? If we take the same approach with that question, and with Katie’s philosophy (What’s best for me is what actually happens.”), we can go off in all sorts of unhelpful directions, such as: “Cancer [or abuse, or rape, or ....] is best for me. If so, what does that mean about me?”

If The Secret Exists, Does It Have to be Distressing?

My inquiry would be along the lines of…. Is it true? I don’t know. How do I feel when I believe that thought that there is a Secret? I feel great! [End of working.]

Who is Distressed?

For the rest of Katie’s discussion, you can go to Byron Katie’s blog. It’s a hot topic, which as of my checking, already had 73 comments attached to it! There are some pretty hot comments out on Katie’s blog! Some folks might be best off doing a working on their own distressing thoughts: “People who believe in The Secret are in fantasy land. They shouldn’t believe it.”

What Do You Think?

I’d love to know what you think. Please share…

Nice chatting with you,

Becky