Feeling Like a “Relationship Failure?”

It struck me, on my walk this afternoon, that some people reading these posts may feel far removed from being able to sit with a partner (or even alone) and create a Relationship Vision. If this speaks to you, you may have just ended a relationship, you may be really struggling in one, or you may have sworn them out of your life. Whatever the case, you should know that many of us have been there (moi, included)!

What Can You Do?

These are some tips that might be helpful if you are reeling from a relationship gone bad (one that’s already over):

  1. Whether it was long term or short term, take stock of what went wrong. In order to really explore it and get objective feedback, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or a relationship coach about it. To really get honest with yourself, this will probably take time.
  2. Don’t ignore your part in it (but don’t beat yourself up, either). How did you choose this person? What were you needing at the time? What would you do differently in choosing a new partner? What would you do differently in the relationship?
  3. I’ve found The Work@ of Byron Katie to be extremely helpful in doing a post mortem on yucky situations. Notice all of your distressing thoughts about the relationship, yourself, or your ex-partner, and run them through Byron Katie’s inquiry process. You can find her worksheets at www.thework.com. You’ll be amazed at what you discover.
  4. Take time away from relationships. When my 9 year relationship ended, I decided that I wasn’t going to be in any kind of intimate relationship for at least one year. I decided that I was going to use that time to re-acquaint myself with me (someone I’d lost along the way). And, I was going to increase my awareness of what I liked, didn’t like, etc. in other people. It was a good year of no entanglement, and I learned a lot. (It didn’t totally save me from anymore dating drama, but when I found the person who fit for me, I knew it.)
  5. When you’ve done your healing work, and when you’ve come to know you again, then go ahead to envision the relationship you want. Use the Law of Attraction!

In future posts, we’ll talk about what to do when you actually begin dating again. In the meantime, go slowwwwlllllyyyyy…..

Has Anyone Else Felt This Way? How Did You Deal With It?

I know that when I was stuck in the place of feeling like relationship failure, I was sure that it was hopeless and that I’d never be happy in relationship. I’m wondering how others might have dug themselves out. Have any tips you’d like to share with us?




2 responses to “Feeling Like a “Relationship Failure?”

  1. Copied from relationships501.typepad.com before blogging host was changed.

    I loved the questions in “Don’t ignore your part in it (but don’t beat yourself up, either).”

    You asked:
    How did you choose this person?

    What were you needing at the time?

    What would you do differently in choosing a new partner?

    What would you do differently in the relationship?

    As you know, I lead a retreat for people who are ready to heal their relationship with money, and these are terrific questions for examining what went wrong in the spirit of acceptance and the determination to make different choices in the future.

    Right on!

    Molly Gordon

  2. Toria Thompson

    Someone honored me yesterday by saying that she was really impressed with me for not getting into a new relationship since my marriage dissolved a year ago. I looked at her sort of puzzled and said that in my grief, if I could have found someone to pair up with, I’d have jumped at the chance. I’m not good at will power.

    When I hear you write about your conscious choice to stay away from relationship for a year, I say horray! I guess I want to speak for those of us who would die for a relationship now and are also finding it impossible to move in that direction.

    There is a wisdom that can emerge from a broken heart if you let it. A wisdom that to me feels like a survival instinct close to the one that keeps you away from those bright red mushrooms with the white spots on top.

    Danger! Danger! the bells go off in my head each time a man approaches that I am attracted to. My whole being wants to feel the intimacy again of having someone special in my life. Inevitably, however, I develop a stutter and start talking about my recovery from cancer when he asks “How are you?”

    I guess I’m saying this because the break from relationship that is necessary to make healthier choices may be coming from your unconscious. Try to develop the ears to listen to it rather than being frustrated with the fact that the universe isn’t giving you what you want.

    For now, I’m grateful for my internal gremlins that foil my attempts at partnership… soon I plan to work on envisioning what I would like from some future healthy partnering… I plan to involve those gremlins (survival instincts). There is a wisdom inside of me and this time I think I know how to listen.

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